Parents of adolescents face a tough dilemma about substance use: we may want our children to be abstinent, but what do we do if they are not? Parents can and should communicate clearly that non-use is the best decision for health, we simply can’t control every aspect of young people’s lives. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to successful dialogue with teens about substance use, but these principles may be helpful.

Parents sometimes use phrases like “be smart” or “make good decisions,” though these terms may have very different meanings to different people. For example, a parent who says, “Be smart!” may think he is asking his child not to drink, while the child may interpret the instructions as, “Don’t drink enough to black out.” So, be specific. If you mean, “You can go out with your friends as long as you can assure me you will not use marijuana,” then say it that way.

Try to resist the urge to lecture!

As adults we very much want to impart as much wisdom as we can to help young people avoid the same mistakes that we made. But, it is probably more useful to draw out their innate curiosity and encourage them to seek out answers on their own. Consider beginning by asking a question like, “Tell me, what do you know about marijuana?” Teens who feel like their point of view is valued may be more willing to engage in a conversation. In response to what your child says, use nonjudgmental reflective statements to make sure she feels listened to, then follow up with a question. For example: “So you’ve heard that marijuana is pretty safe because it is natural. Do you think that is correct?” You don’t need to agree with everything your teen says; you just need to make it clear you are listening.